#neurodivergent navigations of romantic and platonic relationships as being shaped by trauma and differences in neurodiversity

[divinechieko222]

i feel like people who aren’t neurodivergent or don’t have a personality disorder really fail to understand the different ways we practice and navigate affection and romantic encounters. for some there is the aspect of hypersexuality and for others there is the aspect of extreme selectivity. there’s also a multitude of other factors that contribute to the way neurodivergent people view love and romantic relationships. i have the ability to feel things for other people but i often turn off these emotions or reject these emotions due to feeling disgusted at the concept of love and someone loving me back. if these feelings are never allowed or turned on then these feelings will mostly likely never be present. i rarely allow myself to attach in such deep ways in terms of my emotions as they can be unreliable and irreversible in ways of impact. early crushes resulted in panic attacks and intense feelings of self-hatred. this later turned into having obsessive crushes. my notes app became filled with different encounters and emotions centered around the person. however, i could never interact or speak with these people in real life. my feelings for people never really disappear they diminish overtime but because i have bpd the trauma of having that crush still feels very fresh due to how it affects my psyche. my relationship with men was also always weird. i felt uncomfortable in friendships with them. i never allowed physical contact and rarely developed these relationships as physically playful or affectionate like i would with women. i believe this can be attributed to my lack of a present male figure in the home. my father was present in my life but not in my physical life as he lived very far away. i have male siblings but none of my siblings grew up in the same home, so i never had brothers in the house. in this way i never learned how to navigate friendships or relationships with men. i either shut down or became angry. i do have sexual attractions to women but i grew up in catholic schooling with very little queer representation around me. my friendships with women were always natural and affectionate. i do believe in my case this was because of a relation in socialization. after having an extremely complicated relationship with someone older than me, i learned that i did actually have the ability to be affectionate and to be a loving individual. i wasn’t inherently unloveable or an unloving individual. i wasn’t a black hole. before this, the idea of sex made me feel extremely afraid. i always figured i’d have a panic attack if someone tried to kiss me or sleep with me. however, i also learned that i can’t physically be affectionate with those i haven’t been in a long term platonic relationship with. i knew this because over time my body shut down. using this system i believe has saved me from the complications of hookup culture and the way causal sexual relationships disproportionately affect women. i also need this vetting system because without it all of my triggers feel heightened. i tried talking to people i had little connection with and everything felt incredibly bizarre. i never knew how to react to situations. i never understood if what i was doing is what people normally did in such connections/situations. i constantly questioned every move of mine and his. in the beginning having to talk to someone everyday consistently as a way to get to know them felt unbearable. i never wanted to see this person and when we did eventually see each other i felt nauseous in their presence. kissing people, even people i’ve liked, has always made me feel like throwing up. i can never swallow the feelings of disgust. platonic relationships have always been more feasible and meaningful to me. my friends have always been there for me first; therefore, these relationships have greater value than other relationships. the way i view sex and relationships is shaped by trauma. trauma i am trying to unlearn. i self sabotage every connection. still the current sexual climate doesn’t offer me anything. everything can be a trigger.